Chapter 1

"... and then, Spike told me it's time to go home. He's right."

"What did you just say?" Rupert Giles stared at his Slayer in shock, trying to wrap his mind around the statement that came, almost as an afterthought, at the end of her report. Not that he didn't agree with the annoying vampire; Buffy had been away from home for too long. The Watcher had been trying to bring up this very topic for nearly a year. Buffy had avoided it deftly, deeply in denial, just as she was about her flagging spirits. While he had managed to convince her that short visits with her mother, occasional calls to Willow, and letters carefully routed through Whistler's underground would be OK, Buffy still fought the idea of going home, even for a visit. And now, out of the blue, she said it was time to move home. "And you're doing this because *Spike* told you to?!"

Giles reigned in the anger and exasperation that had risen when he saw Buffy flinch. He hated that she still wasn't completely comfortable with him, that the girl he loved as a daughter could be afraid of his anger, that she was always uncomfortable when he first reached out to touch her. Giles knew it was an unconscious reaction, that she couldn't control it, but in still hurt. The Watcher braced himself against the unconscious flinch, and reached out to place his hand on her shoulder. "Buffy, I think you're right; it is time to go home. I guess I'm just upset that you've been avoiding this topic whenever I try to bring it up, but you listen to *Spike* of all people."

"I know," she laughed harshly; the irony not lost on her. "Why Spike, of all people. Every time I see Mom she wants me to come home, every call to Willow and she asks me for just a visit. You never wanted me to leave in the first place. But, you went along with me, *came* along with me, anyway. But until tonight, I never listened to any of you. I wonder why?"

Buffy's voice drifted off on her last statement, and Giles knew she was simply pondering the idea in her thoughts. He let her be for a moment, taking the opportunity to gather his own thoughts. "Maybe you needed to hear it from someone who isn't close to you," the Watcher finally offered. "W-we never wanted you to leave, a-and I *have* been pushing the topic fairly regularly ever since Erin was born, and more forcefully the last year or so. Maybe you're so used to hearing it, and dismissing the idea, that you don't even pay attention anymore." Giles caught a glimpse of her face as she turned it away from him and he teased gently, "Don't roll your eyes at me young lady. You know very well that unless it's about how to kill the current monster, you tend to tune out anything I say, just as you have done since I met you."

"You and every other parental type unit in my life," Buffy teased back, lifting her eyes to his briefly, a spark of affection clearly showing. She leaned into the arm around her shoulders, allowing a bit of her tension to drain away, and rested her head against Giles shoulder.

Giles caught his breath as his heart warmed. It had been so long since Buffy had shown real signs of life with anyone but Erin, and the fact that she was actually letting him see some of the love he knew she held for him drove away the last of any lingering irritation. He may have to get Spike a nice gift for finally getting through to his Slayer, and opening a crack in the walls she'd built to protect herself. Giles drew Buffy in for a closer embrace, whispering "I love you too, you wretched girl. You're the daughter I never had, you and Erin are my family, and I'm so lucky to have you." Buffy returned his embrace, and relaxed a bit more, prompting Giles to pull away and voice some of his concerns.

"Buffy, I do agree that it's time to go home, and I think that it will be a huge relief for you to stop running." Anger flashed in the Slayer's hazel eyes, but an answering ire rose in the Watcher's blue ones. "You might have been right in the beginning, I admit that now. Emotionally you couldn't cope with what was going on and you needed time to deal with the attack, and finding out about Erin. And you had a point about staying hidden and out of the way when you were so vulnerable to attack while pregnant. But, you could have gone home any time after Erin was born, and you know it. The fact remains that you have been running, away from your mother, your friends, your problems..." Rupert paused, briefly debating the wisdom of opening this debate tonight, but felt that this conversation had been put off for too long. "Running away from Angel."

Buffy winced at the name, and glanced guiltily away from him. Giles sighed and wondered again how much of that guilt was for hurting Angel, or for hurting *him* with the topic of Angel. "We never talked about it, but I sometimes get the feeling that he was the reason you decided it was best for everyone if you just left town. You had already sworn us to secrecy about the attack, but when you found out you were pregnant I got the impression that if I didn't come with you, you would just disappear again. Even thought you promised us you wouldn't run away again."

"Giles, please," Buffy begged, her voice tight. "I don't really feel like discussing this right now. Could you get to the point so I can start packing? I'd like to catch a few hours of sleep, eventually."

Giles ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation and pinched the bridge of his nose to try to calm himself. "You never want to talk about what happened Buffy, that's the point. I just want you to be aware that you will have to face all of those things when we get back to Sunnydale. I know you're ready, that you are strong enough to deal with all the old problems and fears. You know it's time to go home, but you're still hiding from those old demons. I need you to be prepared, forewarned; so you can start gathering a reserve of strength. Because now that you've decided to return, I'm not going to let you change your mind. You need them, us, so much, and we need you too. I've let this go on for too long as it is. If you try to back out now, I will go home without you and tell everyone what's been going on with you for the last four years. Even Angel."

Buffy stared up at him, reproach and hurt in her eyes. Giles winced and his voice had an apologetic note when he tried to soothe her. "Buffy, it won't be easy by any means. You've kept something hidden from... them for a long time. But, it will all work out in the end, I promise. They will understand and forgive, and no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. But, I won't let you continue to punish yourself for something that isn't your fault. You deserve to be happy, and I'll do what I have to do to help make sure it happens." Buffy, recognizing the determination in her Watcher's eyes, slowly nodded her head, signaling that she understood.

Giles nodded in satisfaction, relieved to be able to state his mind clearly again. Though part of his job was to protect her, Rupert had recently realized that he shouldn't be protecting her from the past. Giles murmured good night, and moved towards his bedroom to begin packing up, his thoughts so mired in the task of taking inventory of the books and weapons, that he accidentally bumped into the doorway. Shaking his head, Giles continued on to his room, where he started gathering things together.

For once, the Watcher had no trouble resisting the urge to skim through each volume as he packed the books back into their boxes. His mind was intent on the dawning realization that Buffy was not the only one that would have to face the past upon their return to Sunnydale. He too would be opening old wounds, facing old ghosts. Giles knew that despite the problems they both faced, Buffy would only truly be happy if she was reunited with her Angel, but knowing that in his rational mind was different from seeing the reality before him. Then, there was his own relationship with the vampire, a continuing awkwardness around Joyce Summers, and Giles wondered if his other 'children' would resent his leaving them alone on the Hellmouth. For the first time, Giles realized that he might also need some of that reserve of strength he had encouraged Buffy to find.

*-*-*-*-*-

Buffy watched Giles with affection as he bumped softly into the door jam on his way to his room. Giles never changed; she knew he was double checking and packing all the weapons to make sure there weren't any forgotten where Erin might find them. He'd then go on to make sure all his books were packed... Buffy was so grateful for his calm, steady predictability. When she'd made the decision to leave... 'No' she thought to herself. 'No more denial. Giles is right. I've been running away.' When she'd made the decision to run away, everything had been so mixed up, and Buffy hadn't known what to do. Giles had been there for her, making sure she took care of herself, didn't let her lock every emotion up inside, though she had still managed to construct some formidable walls. She would never have made it if it without Giles, and Buffy knew it.

Only now, he and Spike had forced her to open her eyes. She had survived the traumatic events of the past, but she wasn't getting over them. Buffy had become uncomfortably aware that she still flinched when someone touched her, and she hated to see the hurt in Giles eyes; to know he thought she didn't trust him. Only one person could really help her with that, but she wasn't even sure she could bring herself to call him and say 'Hi,' much less tell him what had happened to her. Only Angel could help her get over the hurt, but Buffy didn't want to hurt him by telling him what had happened. She knew Angel would feel guilty that he hadn't been there to stop her from being attacked, even though *she* hadn't been able to stop it. And though she knew intellectually that she wasn't to blame for what happened, emotionally Buffy was terrified that Angel wouldn't love her anymore, that he would blame her, or that he wouldn't be able to handle the reality of her attack. Or that he wouldn't be able to accept the permanent, tangible reminder in the form of her daughter.

Buffy sighed and stood, her thoughts whirling around and around. She gathered the few books scattered around the living area of the apartment, and left them in a neat pile outside Giles' bedroom door before going into the master bedroom. She sat down next to the low trundle bed next to her own, and studied the delicate features of her daughter in the low light cast by the night light, thinking.

Everything had been messed up when she'd made the decision to leave Sunnydale, and not just because of the rape. Her mom tried to commiserate with her, but having never experienced the degrading feelings first hand, Joyce couldn't really relate to her daughter's feelings. She'd also been pressing Buffy to reunite with the boy she'd dated briefly that year, still oblivious to the fact that Buffy had never loved Riley. Willow also couldn't really relate to what Buffy was feeling, though she did manage to be a little more empathetic. The problem there had been the redheads feelings of guilt; her best friend's life was coming apart but she was happy and content with Oz. Buffy had gotten tired of watching Willow downplay her happiness, and started pulling away, not wanting Willow to hide her feelings for Oz. As for Oz... Buffy hadn't studied wolves much, but she knew that they were pack animals, and that the Scooby Gang was Oz's pack, and she was the lead wolf. But, he'd looked at her differently ever since he'd found her, curled up and cowering silently behind the water heater in some woman's basement. Buffy felt that his faith and trust in her abilities, especially her ability to protect his precious Willow, was gone. Finally, there was Xander, with whom she'd been fighting with all summer. Sure, things had been tense and stilted between them; she had just learned that Xander had known Willow was going to try to re-curse Angel the day she'd gone to face Acathla. But, Buffy had hoped that Xander would still be there for her when she was hurt. Instead, after a handful of awkward visits, Xander had stopped checking up on her.

All of those mixed up reactions to her rape, on top of her own inner turmoil, had prompted Buffy to make two decisions that, in retrospect, might have been the worst mistakes she'd made in a long time. The first was that she'd made everyone, even her mother and Xander, swear not to tell Angel what had occurred. Buffy had been having trouble with the reality herself, and didn't think she could handle Angel's grief and guilt on top of hers. Then, a blessing in disguise, had prompted her second decision. On a follow up examination, her doctor had informed her that she was pregnant. Buffy had grasped at her baby's existence as if it were a lifeline. She would be the first Slayer to experience the joys of having a child, and it had given her the perfect excuse to get away from everyone's awkward emotions. Buffy decided that she would leave town, to protect herself while pregnant, and stay away to protect her infant upon arrival.

Buffy knew she'd made some bad decisions in the past, and with hindsight she saw that she'd once again shut everyone she loved and needed out of her life to protect herself. She regretted hiding things from them, and locking her emotions away, but Buffy would never regret the decision to carry her baby, and to keep her. Erin was a beautiful child, bright and happy, the light of her mother's dark life. Buffy paused at the thought, contemplating the irony. Angel had once told her that she brought sunshine back to him, but now she needed someone else to do the same for her. Buffy shook her head, the thoughts pounding through her just exhausting her further. She forced herself to pack most of their belongings before she got ready for bed, pausing briefly every now and then to kiss her little miracle. As the Slayer settled into an uneasy sleep, she prayed that she was doing the right thing, and not making yet another mistake. She prayed that everyone would be able to forgive her for bailing out on them again, for lying and keeping secrets. Most of all, she prayed that the people she cared about would also see Erin as a miracle.