Chapter 4 pt. 1

"Are you sure it's not too late to change my mind about this?" Buffy's voice was quiet and nearly plaintive as she pulled the rented van to the side of the road. She was on the curving slope above the mansion, and could just see it through the trees in the distance, and already the Slayer was uncomfortable. Buffy knew that there were many painful memories associated with the sprawling home, but had never been uncomfortable there since shortly after Angel's return from Hell. She and Angel had enjoyed some good times there, despite the frequent tension between them, and Buffy had hoped that those memories would help outweigh the bad. That was not to be the case.

"Buffy," Giles' voice was full of static over the cell phone, but his exasperation was still clearly evident. "You were the one that couldn't wait and left last night. You were the one that was so eager to check on the renovations and to see Willow that you packed at least a dozen boxes in a rented van so you could drive down there. *Yes* it is too late to back out! Turn off the phone, go up to the house and turn on the lights. Oz said the utilities were hooked up and you know where the key is hidden."

Buffy sighed, partly in exasperation, partly in resignation. Giles was right, she knew he was right, and he knew that she knew hew was right. That didn't make her calm down at all. "I know Giles," she sighed, stopping the van. "But now that I'm here, I'm wiggin big time. I mean, she's got to be angry about the way I left."

"Buffy...."

"I know, I know," Buffy siged again. "Suck it up and deal."

"Yes, well, that's not quite how I'd put it... but in essance, yes. Deal with it as it come. No matter how upset she is, Willow is still your friend."

"Thanks Giles," Buffy said as she started the car again. "Tell Erin I love her, and I promise not to hunt until tomorrow, after you get here." Buffy turned off the cellphone and slid it into the pocket of her overalls.

As the sun peaked through the clouds, despite the late morning hour, Buffy was eerily reminded of the morning she'd gone to face Angelus, and the resulting devastation. 'He's out, Buffy. Angel's back, safe, and he doesn't hate you. Suck it up and deal,' she told herself firmly, though her hands were shaking as she pulled the van back onto the road.

Buffy again questioned her decision to depart for Sunnydale late the previous evening. She and Giles had planned to drive down the following morning from San Francisco, after meeting one of his contacts for information and a few old books not already in the Watcher's extensive collection. However, Buffy had been excited at the prospect of seeing her friends again, and anxious to double check the renovations on what was to become her home. So the blond Slayer had packed up a few things for the night, cleaning supplies, and a dozen boxes of her and Erin's things, kissed her daughter goodbye, and taken off alone in a large rented van, stopping to catch some sleep halfway down the coast. Now Buffy was wishing that she had waited to come with Giles the next day, needing his silent, steady support. She'd known returning would be hard, but Buffy was beginning to think she'd underestimated how hard.

Shaking her head out of the disturbing thoughts, Buffy slowly pulled up the newly-paved, tree-lined driveway. Trying to calm her racing heart, Buffy stopped the van and stepped out, surveying the imposing facade of the house. Suddenly, she *really* didn't want to be there, and the Slayer turned and dashed through the trees toward the road in a panicked flight. Her rational mind was screaming at her to stop, but the adrenaline rush refused to let her listen. She soon crashed by an old storage shed, but the feelings the place gave off made her skid to a halt. Buffy turned to peer at the weathered metal structure, noting the single window had been covered, and feeling the familiar tingle that screamed vampire. Angry with herself for her flight from the mansion, Buffy welcomed the opportunity to take her raging emotions out on the undead using this out of the way place as a daytime hideaway.

Buffy glanced around her, breaking a sturdy makeshift stake from a nearby fallen branch. She then moved towards the front of the shed and kicked it in, allowing some of the weak light to shine through the sleeping occupants. One of the four vampires hiding there burst into flame and started flailing around while Buffy quickly staked another. A third was too disoriented and, while backing away from her burning companion, inadvertently stepped into the Sun. Buffy turned to the lone remaining vampire and waved her stake in its direction. "So, what's it going to be?" she quipped. "The stake or the sun?"

The vampire hissed at her, fangs gleaming. "It's going to be lunch!" it growled before charging her, careful to stay out of the Sun. Buffy beamed, and moved to meet the creature, using the last of her adrenaline up on hand to hand combat. Once the Slayer calmed down, she quickly dusted the final interloper, and turned back to the door. She examined the lock, and made a mental not to not only replace it, but to have Willow or Giles bless the structure to keep another infestation from occurring. Buffy frowned, suddenly struck by the thought that the abandoned mansion had not been occupied for five years, and that the previous occupant had been a vampire. She started back for the house at a brisk pace, wondering if she would need to do some dusting of a supernatural nature before she could move onto the normal dusting she'd come to take care of.

Buffy broke from the trees on the far side of the drive, and paused to take in the house before her. Somehow it didn't look as imposing as it had a moment ago, and she wondered why. As the weak January sun glinted off the sparkling windows she noticed that the exterior was cleaned, the windows shining. In the right light, it almost looked welcoming. "That's it," Buffy murmured, shaking her head in exasperation. She had felt uncomfortable coming here because she knew Angel wasn't waiting inside to welcome her. Despite the horrible memories the place held, Buffy had been able to look past them, put them behind her, because of the prospect of spending time with her love. Without the prospect of his loving embrace, the gut wrenching horror was too easily recalled. Satisfied with the answer, and reminding herself firmly of her hopes for the future, the Slayer walked back to her new residence with only the barest hint of trepidation.

Remembering her recent encounter in the woods, Buffy stopped at the van and grabbed her ever-present slaying bag. Despite a promise that she would not hunt in Sunnydale alone, Buffy was aware that sometimes she simply couldn't control when, or if, she would encounter something only she could take care of, and always packed accordingly. The Slayer approached the house carefully, stretching out her senses for any sense of the undead. She reached to front door, only to stare in consternation at the brand-new dead bolt, one she knew she didn't have a key to open. Buffy growled lightly; she did *not* want to break into her own house! The blond continued around the house, checking the immediate surroundings as she went for signs of another vampire infestation. While she found signs of recent passing, Buffy found no other nests, and eventually reached the small courtyard on the side of the house. Buffy crept silently down the stone steps, and was glad to see that the French doors into the living room didn't have a new lock on them. She moved to the empty stone fountain and found the small lock box Angel had hidden there years before, and let herself into the mansion.

Buffy paused as she stepped into the room, a small shiver racing down her spine as she scanned the freshly painted rooms. She could tell immediately that there were no vampires in the house; it felt like Willow had already taken the initiative and cast a few protective spells around the place. No, it wasn't the presence of the undead that caused her to shiver; it was the lack of undead. Standing alone in what had been Angel's home for the last seven months of their relationship drove the reality of her loneliness home like nothing else could. Buffy had been pushing the homesickness away for years, taking comfort in the easy familiarity of Giles constant presence, and the occasional contact she had with her mother and Willow. Once the decision had been made to return, Buffy had been hard pressed to contain her eagerness to go home, and it had proven impossible from the tantalizing proximity of San Francisco, hence her early arrival. Now however, the loneliness and longing swept over her again, and Buffy let her knees buckle in grief.

This place wasn't home. It hadn't been in a long time, and it would never be home to Buffy so long as Angel was absent. Tears fell as the Slayer wept silently. She had been avoiding the truth for so long, but there was no escaping it any longer. Buffy had been homesick for a long, long time, longer than anyone, even she had suspected. She had been searching for home since well before her abrupt departure from the Hellmouth, perhaps since even before Angel's departure the year before hers. Angel's presence had eased the ache in Buffy's heart significantly, but now, alone in the huge empty house, Buffy was forced to face the facts. They each had taken great comfort from the other's presence that last year, but the tension and strain from knowing about the constraints on their relationship had taken a toll on both Buffy and Angel. Angel had forced himself to leave so Buffy could experience all he could not offer, and she had buried the ache once again, longing for the security she had not felt for so long. Buffy faced the reality that the safe, comforting feelings of being loved that she associated with home had been missing since the night of her seventeenth birthday, the night she'd fallen asleep held in the circle of her Angel's arms. So long as she couldn't give everything she had to Angel, and receive the same from him, the Slayer would not truly be at home anywhere.

Buffy sighed despondently, wiping at the slowing tears as she gathered herself together. Maybe this place could not be the home her heart longed for, but it could still be a safe haven for her and her daughter. They would have family and friends nearby to ease the aching loneliness, and Buffy knew that she was both needed and wanted in Sunnydale. Buffy's resolve was enough to get her moving, so she shoved the hurt away temporarily, and propped the front door open to start unloading and unpacking boxes. The labor served to keep both mind and body occupied until the roiling emotions inside her calmed enough to be dealt with. Buffy finished most of the boxes she'd brought with her and turned to cleaning, and rearanging the minimal furniture she had decided to keep, forcing her body to work steadily while her mind turned towards her recent, painful realization.

Buffy turned all of her thoughts, hopes, and fears over and over during the day, losing herself in the interminable emotional tangle and the physical work. By late afternoon the Slayer collapsed on the stone bench in the courtyard, exhausted yet pleased with her days work. The entire place was dusted, the floors swept and mopped, there was a floor plan mapped out, and Buffy's spirit was strengthened with new resolve. The tiny blond had determined that she would stay her chosen course. Despite the fact that she wanted more from Angel than the curse allowed them to share, Buffy had remembered Giles advice. Being with Angel was worth the effort, realizing that what she *could* have with him would be more than she would ever feel with anyone else, no matter the limitations. It would be enough for her, at least, until they could have more.

Buffy stretched and moved to stand in the center of the courtyard. She focused herself on her body, forcing her limbs through the Tai Chi moves Angel had taught her. She concentrated on nothing, but her breathing and her movements, until they smoothed into the flowing kata she hadn't practiced in years. Once she was deep into her workout, Buffy freed her mind to consider the next part of her plans.

Over the past several years Buffy had, of necessity, become proficient at research. In her rare spare moments she had read through some tomes on magic and legends about the spirit world, searching for a way to be with her Angel. Since her decision to return home the month before, Buffy had taken her idle studies more seriously., looking through her notes and making lists of volumes that she had already searched, or that needed to be looked through. It had been a very busy time for her however, with planning the move and visiting with Joyce at Christmas added to her already busy slaying schedule, all of which took a backseat to Erin. Buffy was forced to admit that all she had really discovered was how much she didn't understand about Angel's curse. Plus, she had no talent for magic, and even less for languages, so her understanding of several texts was limited to nonexistent.

She would need help if she were to find away around the loophole in Angel's curse, but she wasn't sure how much help she could count on. Finding out what was going on with the Hellmouth and protecting Erin from the chance of being called as a Slayer was one thing, but Buffy feared that asking for help so she and Angel could be together would prove to be quite another. So, as Buffy started cooling down, slowing her movements in the wake of the pleasant ache of well stretched muscles, her mind searched for other avenues for help than the obvious expertise of 'Net Girl' and 'Research Boy.' Buffy forced her thoughts away from Willow and Xander's probable reaction to her request, concentrating instead on other resources.

Buffy's musings were cut short when she heard a car approaching. Startled, she realized that not only had she left the front door propped open, but she'd been so immersed in her thoughts she'd missed the sun slipping below the horizon. The Slayer dropped into a ready stance, ignoring the tired aches of muscles used differently than usual as she scanned her surroundings for potential weapons. Buffy cursed under her breath when she realized her slaying bag was next to the fireplace inside, and moved cautiously into the room, moving even faster when she heard low voices approaching the front door. They paused outside and Buffy threw herself into a somersault, reaching her crossbow just as the interlopers stepped into the room. She pulled out of the roll with the bow aimed directly at the first intruders heart. Buffy's mouth dropped open as she froze in shock when she recognized her target. It was Willow.