Chapter 4 pt. 2 cont.

Seeing the self-reproach in Buffy's eyes, the last of Willow's anger and pain drained away. She finally recognized what had been teasing the edges of her awareness for years. The redhead had only seen eyes that sad in Angel until now, and Willow realized that, however inadvertently, Buffy's lost lover had left her with a legacy other than undying, self-sacrificing love. Angel had also taught her that no one could punish you more than you punished yourself.

Buffy's response to her previous comment assured Willow that the blond had figured things out, while neatly sidestepping the question of a weakness. "I didn't go away to heal, I went away to hide," she whispered, a flush of shame staining her cheeks. "I was so afraid of what everyone would think of me, after. I didn't have the guts to scream and yell and tell everyone to back off, or to ask to be held, or anything." She took a deep steadying breath, and met Willow's eyes. Willow wondered at the apprehension there when the tiny Slayer continued. "I was afraid to tell Angel what happened, afraid of what he would think, afraid of hurting him again. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret, and I knew that he would blame himself for not being here to protect me. And how much it would hurt him to know that he wasn't the only one to..."

Buffy's voice trailed off, and her face flushed even more, but Willow refused to let her continue thinking that way. "Buffy stop," she said firmly, resolve face on, determined to make her point. "Yes, Angel would hurt, but he would hurt because you hurt. And what happened was in no way your fault or your choice. So Angel is still the only man you have ever made love with." Willow frowned briefly as a thought raced through her mind. "U-unless of course you found someone in the last few years, a-and you know... with them?" Willow's voice rose, both questioning and concerned. She had been in touch with Angel off and on to get help for the local Slayer and to pass on any little information she could about Buffy, knowing that the vampire still loved his Slayer with every inch of his soul. While she wished Buffy every happiness, Willow hated to think that it would guarantee Angel would never find his own.

Buffy stared at Willow in shock before managing a strangled chuckle. "I don't think so Willow," she managed, wondering at the relief she saw in Willow's green eyes. "If I learned anything at all from this, it's that I'll never let anyone I don't love touch me. And I'll never stop loving Angel."

"Good," Willow sighed, closing her eyes briefly in relief, only to catch a glimpse of Buffy's bewildered stare when she opened them again. "It's just... I'd hate to have him coming to dinner in a few days and find out that you have a new boyfriend. It would make everything even more awkward than it's already going to be." Her red hair swung slightly as she shook her head at the thought. It would be bad enough having Xander and Giles in the same room with Angel, but to have the lonely vampire facing not only an old friend that didn't trust him and an old nemesis that had never liked him, but also the knowledge that the love of his life, er unlife, had fallen in love with someone new? Willow shuddered with the thought of the terrible potential for hurt feelings and unrestrained violence, barely regsitering Buffy's shocked question.

"You invited Angel to join us?" Buffy repeated, surprised.

Willow frowned at the question and to shock she'd seen in Buffy's eyes. "Shouldn't I have? I mean, you said to circle the wagons, get the gang together, and Angel's one of us. A-and he's been so worried about you, I couldn't stand the thought of making him wait any longer to see that you were OK." She was shocked when Buffy burst into tears again, though she was relieved to see a smile spreading across the Slayer's face, despite the tears.

Buffy threw her arms around Willow. "Thank you!" she whispered, wiping tears away yet again. "I would have understood if you didn't want to include him. I mean..." Buffy's voice trailed of in confusion as horror and guilt appear on Willow's face.

"Oh, Buffy!" Willow whispered, ashamed. She knew that Buffy hadn't been talking about Angel after the Ascension, but she'd thought it was because the blond was hurting over his departure. It had never once crossed Willow's mind that Buffy wasn't talking about him because she believed that no one wanted to hear about her feeling about him, that no one would sympathize with her, and commiserate over the pair's doomed relationship. The redhead fought tears as she realized what buffy was feeling; knowing that the Slayer was unaware of the shame and guilt that everyone had piled on Angel at the hospital before graduation just made Willow feel worse.

She clutched Buffy's hands tightly as she fought to find her voice. "I'm sorry Buffy," Willow finally whispered. "I'm so sorry that you believe we- or at least I- don't want Angel around, that I'm glad he's gone. I know why you think that, but it isn't true. Angel is my friend, and I hate to see him hurting just like I hate to see it in you. I almost threw up when Angel apologized to me the first time he called to find out if anyone had heard from you. I've never felt so ashamed of my actions; it was as bad or worse than cheating on Oz with Xander."

Willow stopped to calm her emotions and gather her thoughts, checking on Buffy at the same time. The tiny blond was staring at Willow, seemingly in shock. "Buffy!" Willow said loudly, drawing the Slayer's attention back to her. When she was sure the Slayer was paying attention, Willow continued. "Buffy, I swear that I'm sorry for the way I treated Angel when he got out of Hell. Once I knew he would be alright, I should have gone to talk to him. Heck, I *knew* how much he adored you, and how badly he must have felt about what happened when he lost his soul, but I still let Angel stew. If you think it will help, I'll be sure to set aside some time to talk to Angel when he comes next week. I could apologize, or would it be better to leave it in the past?"

"I think it would make him feel better to talk to you about what happened. Thank you," Buffy whispered. Her hazel eyes were fixed firmly on her hands in her lap when she added, "I'm afraid he'll need all the friends that he can get."

Buffy was steadfastly avoiding Willow's confused gaze, so the hacker tried a little prodding. "I don't understand Buffy." When she got no response, Willow sighted and said, "I get the feeling that has something to do with that last secret you're keeping, so I won't push." The women sat in uncomfortable silence for several moments, both searching for a safe, neutral topic since it seemed Buffy wasn't ready to talk, and Willow was reluctant to push the Slayer too far, too fast. She jumped a little when Buffy abruptly rose to her feet and moved to a corner of the room where a large assortment of curtain rods were leaning, and lifted the first of several curtains off the back of one of the few chairs in the room.

After a moment of watching her friend struggle briefly with the stubborn fabric, Willow tentatively moved to help Buffy, receiving a shy grin in thanks. Willow returned the smile, and they both relaxed, managing to cover most of the downstairs windows in a relatively comfortable silence. Willow had just handed up the last curtain rod to Buffy, who was perched on a step ladder to hang the curtains over the courtyard doors, when the redhead stepped back to admire the effect of the sheer lace against the darkness outside. All of a sudden, it hit her; they were hanging *sheer* lace curtains in Buffy's home. Perhaps she'd misunderstood the Slayer's intentions? "Uhh... Buffy?" Willow ventured, choosing her words carefully. "I don't want to upset you, but are those curtains really what you want in here?" At the Slayer's questioning look, Willow babbled on. "Oh, they look great, don't get me wrong, very classy and will certainly let in plenty of sunlight..." Willow allowed her voice to trail off when understanding dawned in Buffy's eyes.

"And you're worried about Angel," Buffy murmured, as small smile hovering about her lips.

Willow nodded as she watched Buffy back down the stepladder and move towards a coat closet near the front door. "I guess I figured, with your reaction to finding out Angel will be here, that you wanted to find a way for you to be together again. And, you know, vampire, sunlight, ashes." Willow said, balancing each idea in her hands until the 'ashes' blew away.

"Not a good idea, huh?" Buffy's voice was muffled as she emerged from the closet with her arms full of freshly pressed black curtains. She lay them out over a chair, and went back for an armful of light damask curtains. "I'm going to hang the blackout curtains next, and then the lighter ones," Buffy explained, trying to illustrate with the heavy, awkward material. "From the outside it'll be lace over black curtains, but on the inside, the light curtains should help keep it from being too gloomy. I just hope the material is heavy enough that the black doesn't show through when the sun hits it."

Willow smiled, delighted with her friend's compromise between needing no sunlight and bright rooms. "Let's try it out, at least in here," she exclaimed, picking out the heavier rods obviously intended for the heavy black out drapes.

Buffy and Willow started working together again, continuing on to the windows in the dining room, the silence again stretching between them. Buffy eventually ventured, "So..., what do you guys do during the full moon? For Oz I mean.."

Willow breathed a sigh of relief that the silence was broken and said, "We've been locking him in his parent's basement. It's not the best situation because we have to keep reinforcing everything every two to three months. Unfortunately I think the only way to get a really secure place with a cage will be to buy a place of our own, and while I make good money, I don't make *that* much."

"What about here?" Buffy offered as she stretched to hang the last of the blackout curtains. "We've already got a stone basement, and the doors are already pretty sturdy. It shouldn't be that much trouble to put in a sturdy cage. Heck, there's even one room with ceiling level windows so he could see the moon."

Willow breathed a silent prayer of thanks to various Powers That Be. She had been hoping, when things had settled a bit more, to ask the Slayer just that, but still felt compelled to double check that her friend knew what she was getting into. "Are you sure?" she questioned as they sat down next to the colorful curtains remaining. "I mean, if we do this you'll have at least one guaranteed house guest every month until Oz and I are ready to buy a place of our own. It'll mean a howling snarling beast in your basement."

Buffy snorted. "I'll have that upstairs if someone wakes Angel up in the middle of the day, I don't see what difference having another animal in the basement a couple of nights a month is going to make."

Willow stared at Buffy, fighting the laughter that was bubbling up at the blond's words, but eventually gave in to the giggles that were trying to escape. Buffy looked at her in askance for a moment, but apparently her words sank into her own mind, and she'd soon succumbed as well. They sat on the floor laughing for a few minutes when Willow managed to ask, "I wonder who has a better growl? Maybe we should tape them both and compare notes later." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively, and set Buffy off into another gale of laughter.

"Oh, that felt good," smiled Buffy when they'd managed to calm down. "And yes, I'm sure you and Oz can stay here during the full moon. The council has found the new Slayer and they're sending her and her family and Watcher to stay with me until she learns the ropes, so this place will be kind of like a supernatural Grand Central Station; it just wouldn't be complete without a witch and a werewolf."

Willow started giggling asian, and had to struggle to catch her breath to explain why. "Oh Buffy just think about it!" she managed. "We spent fifteen minutes handling those lace sheers in silence because we were nervously looking for a nice, normal, neutral conversation. And what breaks the ice? A discussion about where to lock up my werewolf fiance and whether or not your soon to be reinstated vampire boyfriend can growl just as well!"

Buffy broke up into giggles as well, fighting back tears of hilarity as the absurdity of their conversation hit her. She managed to calm down and point out, "But Willow, this is the Hellmouth. That *is* a nice, normal conversation!" Their giggles hadn't abated when Oz's van pulled up, and set the tone for the impromptu picnic on the floor. Though he was not clued in on the joke, Oz merely sat back against some still packed boxes and enjoyed the easy camaraderie as the trio caught up with current events in their lives. They knew that this was special time, taken out of the problems that Buffy's departure and reappearance had caused; it was obvious that the Slayer was editing some of her stories, but it heartened the witch and the werewolf to see genuine laughter in her eyes again. Maybe the road home wouldn't be as rough as they had feared.