Chapter 5 pt. 3

"Cordy, please tell me this is a joke," Angel begged, his voice tight with anxiety. He'd been getting more and more wound up as the date of their reunion in Sunnydale loomed closer, and now that it was only a day and a half away, the vampire was ready to snap.

"Angel, I'm still going to Sunnydale," Cordelia assured him, rolling her eyes in exasperation. "I'm just going to be a little late. You just go on ahead, and as soon as my audition is over, I'll head out. I'll only be a few hours behind you."

"But..." Angel's voice tapered off at her cooly raised eyebrow, and he winced when he realized that he'd started to whine. He was nearly 250 years old, and had spent time in several courts of Europe. There was no reason a small dinner party should intimidate him so much that he was seriously considering backing out because his best friend wouldn't be there to hold his hand.

"Oh grow up," The caustic voice from the doorway echoed Angel's thoughts, much to the vampire's dismay. He and Cordelia turned to see Whistler leaning against the doorway, bowler tipped to the back of his head. "Suck it up and deal. You can handle the Slayerettes without someone along to hold you hand. You wouldn't have this problem if Buffy was going to be there, and she's the one you've got a history with."

"Oh please, he's spineless where Buffy's concerned. Unless of course, he's doing something 'for her own good,'" Cordelia scoffed, complete with quotation marks. "The big, bad vampire who fights evil everyday is terrified of being happy."

Angel stared at Cordelia and Whistler in shock as they continued, sinking onto a low couch as his knees gave way in surprise, his mind trying to process their comments. "Do you really think I'm spineless?" he inquired, interrupting the insults.

"Not usually," Cordelia said as she stared at Angel speculatively, wondering if he was ready to hear the truth. She caught an encouraging nod from Whistler out of the corner of her eye, and decided to let Angel have it. "Angel, in almost every area of you life you are strong and brave, and you're a lot more self-confident than you've been in years. You have friends, and you value them and what you fight for, and you let them value you. But, when Buffy is the topic of conversation it all goes out the window." The brunette beauty took a deep breath to continue; apparently 'Tact Girl' was on one of her favorite soap boxes. "You either roll over and let Buffy make all the decisions without standing up for yourself and what you want, or you decide what's best for her and refuse to listen to her opinion. For heavens sake, Buffy's an adult and can make her own decisions. You trust her enough to let her save the world from unspeakable demons, but you don't trust her to believe she knows her own heart?! Please!" Cordelia sighed at Angel's slightly hurt expression and sat down next to him, taking one of his hands in hers. "Angel, I totally understand why you're afraid of hurting her; there's a lot of history between you, most of it unpleasant, and Buffy's already got quite a load to carry. One of the results of this fear is inaction, and letting her make hard or painful decisions without objecting to it, even when *you* end up getting hurt. But, a real relationship is about compromise. You taught me that, but apparently you can't seem to apply the rules to yourself."

Angel tried to protest. As he saw it, the situation was totally different. But, before he could voice a protect, Whistler said, "She's right. Angel, you used to brag about your Slayer, what you guys did together, how much she was growing, how strong she was getting, how much she seemed to care about you. You were proud to be with her, and that she saw something good in you. I know the kid was young, and you had a hard time keeping your overprotective instincts under control, but you let her make her own decisions. Your vision of yourself is skewed where the Slayer's concerned, yet you trust her judgment, right?" Angel nodded reluctantly; he trusted Buffy with everything he was. "She's got to come back to the Hellmouth soon, so when she shows up, talk *with* her instead of *to* her. Use this trip as an excuse to test the waters with her friends, see if any of them will back up your decisions, or if they'll throw up roadblocks, but don't let them discourage you. In the end the decision about what to do is yours and Buffy's. And when you do see your Slayer again, explain your concerns and fears, then *listen* to her responses. She knows what direction she wants her life and your relationship to take."

Angel jumped to his feet and started pacing the office nervously, not meeting Cordelia or Whistler's eyes. "What relationship?" he muttered finally. "She left us and went off alone, without a word to anyone."

"Now you know how she felt when you left." Cordelia's voice was low and even, but to Angel it felt as if a bomb had dropped. He stared at her nervously, but she held his gaze unflinchingly. "You love her more than anything, and it's truly beautiful how much you're willing to sacrifice and suffer to make sure Buffy's happy, but she never asked you to. In the end, her happiness is her own responsibility. Slay Gal knows your fears and that you ran away from her, but you never asked her what would make her happy, and you never told her what *you* wanted. Face it Angel. You screwed up the best thing that ever happened to you. So, Buffy did the same thing; that doesn't let you off the hook for your mistakes."

Angel stared blankly at the ceiling, his back to his friends, a small part of his brain absently noting the water stain in one corner that would need repainting. He could hear Cordelia shifting impatiently behind him and caught the often heard sigh she inevitable released whenever she failed to reach him. Her footsteps indicated that she was heading towards the door when Angel managed to choke out words he'd been fighting for years, voice barely audible in the quiet room. "You're right," He swallowed hard and reluctantly turned to face his assistant and mentor, fighting tears of pain, frustration and shame. "I messed up the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don't think I can fix it. I don't think Buffy will ever really forgive me for leaving her, and I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't ever want anything to do with me again. And if that's what she decides, what do I have left? Why fight for redemption if there won't be anyone to share it with?"

"Oh Angel," Cordelia sighed as she crossed the room again, barely noticing the pleased smirk on Whistler's face as he slipped out the door. "First, you'll always have me. And I think you'd be surprised how many other people would want to celebrate with you. Second, yes you messed up, and Buffy got hurt. It's always the risk you take when you fall in love, especially when you're both so stubborn. No one is perfect or has all the answers, no matter how old you are, or how much you learn. But, Buffy will forgive you because she loves you. It'll be painful, and you have to be willing to fight for what you want, but you guys can work things out. That *is* what you want, right?"

Angel nodded sheepishly, clinging desperately to the hope Cordelia's words offered, hoping that she would be proven right. "I need her so much," he whispered, and if Angel had been human, he would have blushed at the admission. He could barely bring himself to share his emotions with Buffy, and now he was making himself vulnerable to someone with a very caustic sense of humor and a sharp tongue, but Angel desperately needed someone else to understand. "I'll take Buffy anyway I can get her. I'm so tired of fighting myself. But, I really don't want to hurt her again. She deserves everything."

"And she'll get that from you," Cordelia stated simply, with quiet certainty. "Maybe not right away, but there's got to be a way to get around that stupid loophole. As for the rest? No one else could ever love her more or give as much of himself as you do, when you don't let yourself get bogged down in logic and just feel. If Buffy knows anything at all, she knows that what you can give her is worth more than what anyone else can; absolute devotion, trust, and enduring support. I envy her that, even if she can't make love with you."

It was Cordelia's turn to blush, and Angel gathered her into a grateful hug. "Thanks Cordelia. I needed that."

Cordy nodded in emphatic agreement as she disentangled herself and headed for the door again. "You sure did. I thought I'd have to hit you over the head to get through to you."

"I'm glad you didn't." The brunette actress was nearly to the door when Angel softly called her name again. She tuned back to look at him before leaving, and the vampire assured her, "You'll find the right man Cordy. And he'll be one lucky son of a bitch."

Cordelia flashed her boss a killer smile and nodded. "Damn straight."